Confirmation Hearing

This is a letter I sent to a friend that was going through a Senate confirmation hearing:

I've been thinking about some suggestions to help with your confirmation hearing.

They always have those giant charts that they bring out to point to and rant about, so I think you should take the picture of that little girl in Guatemala and if things get testy or contentious, pull it out and point to it and explain that you have adopted a whole village of orphans that depend on you. If they don't confirm you, they are saying no to the orphans! Do it for the children.

Wear a beret.

Take your girlfriend along and have her give you a long passionate kiss in the aisle before you seat yourself at the table. Senators respect dudes with hot chicks.

Practice the phrase "homosaywhat?" and see if you can get one of the Senators to go "what?"

Try singing a song in your opening statement. No one ever does that, and I'm not sure why.

Take your camera with you and take pictures during the hearing. (it's called the Rainman maneuver)

If you do the previous suggestion and they ask you what you're doing tell them that your photoblog was lacking a picture of a blowhard asking a stupid question in it. Then thank him.

Ask to go to the bathroom every 7 minutes.

Spread out a rug and do a Muslim prayer in the middle of the questions.

Try telling a knock knock joke.

Remind them to tip the waitresses generously and tell them you'll be appearing in the Spy Museum for the rest of the month.

Use the phrase "Do you know who you're talking to!?" as often as possible.

Bring some guy that looks like a gangster (or Jack Abramoff). Have him sit behind you and if anyone asks tough questions, turn to confer with him, point to the Senator and have him nod threateningly.

Bring your dog to the hearing and act blind.

Remember to use the phrase "do you kiss your mother with that mouth?"

I hope my excellent suggestions will help with your preparations. If you need me to fly out and help, I'll be glad to!