I went to an Open House at my Alma Mater and had to go to Call Hall, which houses the Dairy Science Department. They have an ice cream shop and we always go there and get a treat while we are touring campus.
This year the line for the ice cream was very long. We did that mental calculation everyone does in such a situation, how long will it take and is it worth it, and we got in line. A man came down the hall opposite the line and was looking around as he walked slowly toward the back of the line. For some reason, he stopped at me and asked me, "How much is the ice cream?"
The question kind of irritated me, because I had no idea and didn't care. If you want it, you get in line and buy it. I fleetingly noticed that he was dressed kind of rough, but at that time, I assumed he was a campus worker, or some kind of laborer. I just told him I didn't know, and I didn't venture any kind of guess, either. I wasn't rude, but I was a bit taken aback and not really sure how to respond to him. After he left, I made fun of him a little bit, remarking what a stupid question it was.
We laughed and talked, in a good mood, while waiting for the ice cream. When someone else needed to find a bathroom, I was more than willing to help point it out to them.
As we sat outside in the sun eating out ice cream, I saw the guy leaving the building, walking away empty handed. In a flash, it all came together. I noticed his worn but neat clothes, pants held up with something more like a rope than a belt.
The guy was homeless.
When he asked the price of the ice cream, he was probably hoping that they were giving it away in celebration of Open House. I didn't know he was homeless then, and the question that I thought was stupid was very important to him. Why did he pick me to ask about the price? Did he maybe think I looked kind or something? What an ass I was for making fun of him.
I thought about running after him and getting him some ice cream, but he was gone and the impulse was weak and confused. As time has clarified the incident, I daydream that I could have tracked him down and got him some ice cream, or better yet, invited him into line with us and taken care of him. It wouldn't have cost me much in the way of time or money. The man was trying to keep up his appearance and was polite when he approached me. While I wasn't cruel to him, I made the wrong assumptions and lost an opportunity to satisfy myself that I could be a better person than I am.
The next week, I went out to lunch with my wife Andrea and I thought of something similar to this. The ice cream incident was a matter of not being generous towards someone and finding out that they were actually more worthy of attention.
We talked about many issues that I realized were similar. I have an acquaintance that sometimes seems to delight in undermining the confidence of people. His wife seems to have it all together, but my wife thinks she is depressed because she hasn't worked in a few years and seems to be without direction. We supposed that this might be in response to a steady erosion of confidence under the direction of her husband. Maybe he doesn't know he's doing it, he's just so competitive that it's a reflex to raise himself by dragging down others. I always thought that she was a mindless supporter of her husband, but now I wonder if there's not something more like a hostage crisis going on.
I was also thinking about people that asked for quotes and wanted lots of help on jobs when they had no intention of buying anything. These are high effort for little profit customers (although technically you have to buy something to be a customer). I had several incidents where I reflexively helped people that in the back of my mind I thought I should not waste so much time on. Sometimes I found out later that they were stuck in a bad situation and trying to make the best of it. My help was one of the few good things to happen to them.
I guess you'll never know everything you could know about a situation while you are in it. It's easy to realize or find out more later and beat yourself up for not reacting better. I can't live my life haunted by not knowing that someone needs help or a kind word from me. I won't always catch on fast enough. The only saving grace is the revisionist history we all play with our personal memories. My alternate outcome has me sitting in the sun with the homeless man, enjoying some ice cream and kindness.
1 comment:
I remember feeling the same way when he asked you that. I will clear the air a bit and tell you that yes, you do look like a kind person. Also, you ARE a kind person. How do you know he wasn't a homeless jerk? How do you know he wasn't a guy with a job who had bad fashion sense? Out of the thousands of people with which you interact, you didn't go out of your way to be overly kind to this one person. Surely he isn't holding a grudge against the guy in the hall who wouldn't tell him the prices of the ice cream.
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