Mean but True

I listen to a podcast called Princeton Review, LSAT Logic in Everyday Life. They break down issues in a logical way to hopefully make rational arguments for things. Andrew Brody, the podcast host, takes questions from listeners and got an interesting one via email.

This man wrote to say that a woman in their group of friends loved the sport of character assassination. She loved to comment on the worst traits and shortcomings of others. When someone in the group would respond that her comments were mean, she remarked that "It's not mean if it's true." The writer was bothered by this but did not know how to respond to her to shut her down.


Brody dissected the statement logically, "if true = not mean" and said to test it by making the inverse. Does that mean that all mean statements are false? Would you go to the hospital to visit someone that was dying and walk in and say "You look terrible, you look like you are going to die"? While true, it's a very mean thing to say. He further broke down the meaning of mean. Mean statements were more of an intent than a statement of truth. Why are you saying it.

In the end, my initial response was what I stuck with. It's true and mean. Saying it's not mean because it's true isn't a statement of a fundamental principle, but an excuse for bad behavior. She was justifying her desire to be catty, and trying to erase her conscious inhibitions against doing what she loved.

It makes me think further of when it is appropriate to point out sad, uncomfortable, or unkind truths. By ignoring the reality of the situation, sometimes this allows it to continue. We had this discussion at work over walking around with your zipper open. It's much better to be told, even though it's embarrassing, than to walk around with your pants unzipped. The same can be said for having food on your face. However, what about bad breath? That's a tougher one. I usually offer gum to the person if I'm trapped in close quarters (they don't always take it). The Savage Love podcast by Dan Savage often features Dan ranting about how you have an obligation to tell your friends when they are making big mistakes in their relationships. He concedes that sometimes you'll lose them as a friend, but it's better than letting them get married to the wrong person, for example. That's an extreme example, both where the desire to point out something is so clearly central to the well-being of a person, yet at the same time so huge and serious that it probably rarely gets done.

While in business and science, I believe that facing problems is the only way to solve them, I think the central issue here is just personal observations, matters of style for example. I don't know if I always want the truth myself. I guess you have to turn it around and try not to be hurt or offended if you're ever on the receiving end of a painful truth. Try to be thankful for the assistance and not embarrassed at the insult. And that's the cruel truth.