Personality Theory

I was recently discussing a person that is always arguing with others, always in conflict. I commented that it was like she signed up for a debate and has never quit. I suddenly realized that this is what a lot of people's lives are all about.

So many people are walking around, and in their heads, they're in a contest with the people around them where they are trying to prove something to them or win out over them. For some, it's "I have more money and worth than you", for others, it's "I think I'm cooler than you." and for others, it's "my politics are superior to yours. I am always right and more brilliant and insightful than you." Some people think they are funnier or more caring, or maybe more talented, but probably everyone has some game they play in their head.

We had a grandmother that everyone loved. I wonder if the story in her head was that she was trying to be a very good person. She went to church and tried to be so nice to everyone, she was always doing nice things for everyone. It sounds derogatory to say that she thought she was better than everyone, but that’s not the point. The question is to figure out what story a person has in their head that describes how they believe they fit in the world.

The point for both of these cases, the good and the bad, is that the person has a self perception, and they play out their lives according to the story they’ve accepted about themselves.

Is this internal story true? The question does not apply, exactly. It’s true enough to the person that tells themselves what they are. Sometimes, this self-story might be completely at odds with the way the person behaves, sometimes it might be right in line. Other times, it’s some weird story that other people may not even be aware of. Often, there could be subtle differences.

When I thought about this way of looking at people, it boils down to “how do they see themselves?” In the particular case of the conflicted person, they story she’s telling herself is at odds with the way other people perceive her. I was wondering why she didn't just be herself and try to enjoy life rather than making everything into a contest. For her, it was a contest. For the people around her, she was just being unnecessarily spiteful, vindictive, and argumentative. From her point of view, if she made enough points, she could win. From the other people’s point of view, she needed to shut up and stop being so derogatory or no one would ever want to be around her.

In this particular case, because her self-story painted her as locked in a battle to convince people, she could not stop fighting with people, which, ironically, made it impossible for her to win over the hearts and minds of people.

So the point here is that if you have an internal story, you may be so blinded by your own point of view that you make mistakes with the people around you. The further point is that if you understand that people may have some kind of internal dialog going on, it is useful to figure out what that is. Discovering that someone is telling themselves they are a saint when they are not is good to know.

Since people see the world through the filters they construct, it is sometimes impossible to get them to see your point of view if it conflicts with their point of view. If it’s not important, if you want to share something with them that you know they will not accept, knowing that they won’t accept it means that you can choose to stop trying. It may be possible to speak to them in a way that they can understand, if you know where they are coming from. It may also be necessary to slip the information in under their defenses. Just because someone is filtering reality doesn’t mean they are immune to it.