COVID-19 Brings me back

No one ever reads this blog. So I dropped off my writing some time back.

My fear is that I would state some view here and someone that I am related to or someone that I do business with would look see it and take offense. Better to stay neutral and not offend anyone.

I'm tired of taking that tack.

I do in fact fear the problems that could come from stating an opinion and having it go viral and come back to destroy your life. However, I doubt that anyone would read whatever I wrote and assume that the chance that this fear could come true, while nonzero, is probably infinitesimally small.

And I'm tired of not saying what I think.

And I'm tired of listening to what other people say, regarding it as completely off base, and not responding. On one hand, in a free society that believes in free speech, I feel people should be free to state their opinions. On the other hand, many people think really stupid things.

Am I any smarter than these people that say things that I think are stupid? Well, maybe. I am in Mensa and my education level and my continued learning, training, and intellectual exploration make me believe that I've got something going on upstairs. But I'm smart enough to be aware of the Dunning Kruger Effect, where people with no knowledge of a subject consider themselves experts. There is also an effect called The Engineer's Disease. This is where expertise in one area makes you think you are an expert in other unrelated areas. I try to police myself in these two concepts, continually asking myself if I really do know or understand something. Trying to make myself question my basic premises. I also like to ask myself, "How do you know that?" and "How can you prove that to someone else?" This can be exhausting. You can quickly get overwhelmed trying to put footnotes and citing sources for all your pronouncements. Unfortunately, if someone doesn't believe your initial assertion, no amount of proof will ever convince them otherwise. So maybe the exercise allows me to pat myself on the back, but it's ultimately just for me. No one else gives a shit.

Floating in a sea of misinformation and misconceptions has become lonely. I'm tired of not talking to anyone that shares my particular view of the world. On one hand, I want to know and understand everything. On the other hand, I'm tired of the way understanding isolates you from the herd mentality that just wants to believe in the complete bullshit that is accepted as "common knowledge" or "widespread belief".

COVID-19 is a textbook case of mass delusion. There is a wide swath of the population that believes that this is not a big deal, will be over soon, and was overhyped. We are in a pandemic, but so few really understand what that really means. And the problem with this particular pandemic is that it's not all that devastating. Don't get me wrong, a 1% to 3% kill rate on those infected is not nothing, but it's also not enough to really shock the world into a serious response. It's enough to tank the global economy, but not enough to get us all to agree on a course of action or to get us all to work together.

Tonight I got on a video conference call with my brothers and cousins. I suppose they might read this at some point in time, which makes me hesitate to say anything. But then again, what's the point in writing on my super-secret blog that no one will probably ever read if I don't tell the truth? It's weird. I kind of feel that if I was writing this in a physical, paper journal that really had a strong chance that no one would read it, that I would not feel motivated to actually explore the subject or develop my thoughts completely. It's as if the possibility that someone might actually read this means that I might actually feel the need to express myself, to fully explain myself.

I don't know why it's easy to talk to an individual and be more revealing about what you really think. I guess that's not completely true. When you speak to an individual, you kind of know what they think and what you can say that they will accept or at least hear. When you speak to a group, it's not the same. Part of this feeling is that the things that you think are important, they will either not agree that they are important or they will disagree. If they disagree, they will either stop listening, or shut down or argue - potentially marking you in their minds as "one of those people".

So what would I have said? What are my mental gymnastics cock-blocking me from saying? I wanted to talk about gardening. The kinds of things I'm doing in response to the possibility that this could be really bad for a really long time. Making bread and sauerkraut. Thinking about putting rain barrels on the downspouts. Considering raising chickens. Wishing I had installed solar cells. Wondering about whether I have enough 9mm ammunition. Thinking about digging a cistern. Wondering if I can still get a beehive.

I'm proud of doing the Mason Ecology Club. However, I expect that most people would think of this as either tree-hugging environmentalism or naive feel good public service. However, I believe in the mission of educating the kids. Since COVID, I've decided I was going to continue to do the work, just shifting to posting them to YouTube videos, so I can do it remotely. And shifting the message subtly to one of individual sustainability. I just want them to make their own observations and learn about the world around them. Whether they use that knowledge just to come to a better understanding of their own garden, or whether they use it to actually study something like a wildlife biologist would do does not matter. In any case, I love to try to get them excited and activated.

I look at my family and many of my friends and acquaintances (business and personal) and I feel a complete lack of connection. I listen and understand what they think is important and what they pay attention to in the world, and I feel alone. It doesn't even feel like I could address my concerns or my fascinations. These people don't care. And sadly, if they did care once, briefly, all they have to hear is one thing they violently disagree with and then everything I say and do is suspect or hostile.

I'm aware that this is how people think, and that I'm a person, too. So I police myself. Do I discount everything that someone says just because they said something stupid once? It's hard not to. It's something you have to be vigilant against. Even people with an occasional complete lapse of judgement can still be trusted in other areas.

I've stated my case. It's vague and mysterious, not pointing out any individuals or actually stating any controversial positions that I may have that others will object to. So even in my supposedly safe space, where I truly believe no one will ever read my words, I still cannot feel completely free to express myself.

That feeling of being isolated and not able to make a connection is pervasive and foreboding. What difference would it make if the Coronavirus's mindless program has me targeted as that one in 50 person that it can defeat? What are my lasting works? What great truths do I possess that the world can't live without? What difference would it make if I was no longer here? I know the answer to that one, too.