And it could not be...

Do we have free will? Can we actually decide what to do and do it? Can we actually decide what to think or change what we think?


I listened to Smart People Podcast, episode 167 with Jonathan Levi. I should say I started to listen to this. It got me depressed, talking about how Elon Musk decided that he wanted to learn actual rocket science and teaching himself in 4 months. It talked about the discipline and speed reading speed comprehension skills this required. I quit listening. It was too depressing.


I recently binge watched Limitless. This was a TV series (one season) adapted from a movie with Bradley Cooper that I have not yet seen. The series continues the story, with a slacker musician being introduced to a drug, NZT, that opens his mind and brings the power of his entire mind into play. He's able to remember anything and absorb, sort, and comprehend large volumes of data quickly. He solves crimes for the FBI with this talent.


If I was on that drug, I'd solve cancer and mortality, disease, politics and economics. Fuck crime.


I could use the skills in my profession. If I knew all the customers and all of what they are doing and each time I interacted with them I would know if we were on track to sell something or if it was mental masturbation, I could really make some money. I'd know what to do, when to do it, and how to capitalize on it. I could solve the Frito problem in a flash.


So I shrink down into my limited self and get frustrated with the lack of progress.


Yet the nature of reality still beckons me. I sense the possibilities. I sense the potential, the limitless potential, and I want to explore that feeling, that mode, that way of fulfilling my destiny.


Desert canyon. I remember meeting the Israeli soldiers on the bottom of the trail to the Colorado River in the Grand Canyon. It was so incredible to be at the bottom and dip our toes in the river and toast our successful descent. It had not yet occurred to us that the real challenge was going to be the climb out. Few did what we were doing, so it made the prospect seem tiny. It was impossible to tell if the Israelis were lovers or not. They did not appear to be. They were only 22 and they were not allowed to rent cars, since you have to be 26 to do that in the states. They bought an old beater instead. They fixed it up and started off over America, traversing from coast to coast and from top to bottom. They'd seen more than I had.


Why would a hedgeapple be an object of fascination. Perhaps the guy had never been in the woods before. On the Cub Scout hike, Paws on the Path, the adults didn't really seem to have a clue. The boys did, but they didn't stop to savor anything except the stream. This is also when I saw the Piliated Woopecker. It was calling and coming in to our area, doing a final glide path. It flared it's wings and grabbed a branch and looked down at us. It took about half a second to look at us and decide that it did not want to have anything to do with us. It flew off, still making its distinctive call.


Fever dreams. I can't recall if I was able to overcome the lack of sleep, or if I succumbed to it. I think maybe reality shifts a bit when you are sleep deprived.

Epic Opera Dream

Epic Dream

I was looking up at a giant treehouse-like structure and there were women rappelling through the mess of tangled branches. They were there to explore and understand the mysteries of this strange tree/city/world. I was gaping, looking up with my mouth open, when they came to the ground and completed their survey. I sensed that they did not find what they were looking for.

Then I looked down and I noticed that a sinkhole had formed. Chris Padilla had jumped in to check it out, but it was full of water and he was passed out at the bottom. We quickly rigged a way to tie off with a rope and go down to rescue him. There was someone else there, and it wasn't clear which one of us was recovering Chris and which of us was administering CPR. I was distracted, it seemed that I already knew the story and Chris was going to be fine. I had to solve the mystery of the water filled sinkhole. I noticed that there was a trick of optics and a rock shelf was just below the surface, covering half the hole, but looking like the bottom. It would be easy to dive in and hit your head, thinking you had a clear shot.

It was as if once I had discovered the trap in the sinkhole, the action leapt forward. The sinkhole I think was drained and proved to be the entrance to an underground headquarters or hiding place. It looked like an old hotel or an opera hall. I needed to find something in there and was rapidly searching before the authorities could arrive and lock down the scene.

I must have figured it out, because there was a rapid shift to a final scene. I was walking back to the campus with some friends, a man and a woman who were newfound lovers. It was exciting to discover that something had changed, the same energy that had made them become attracted to each other had also made me more attractive. It was the success of the mission, which added to confidence, wealth, and appeal. I was ready to get back to the campus and look for someone new.

This dream had the echo of an older dream where I was in a goldmine: It was a claustrophobia dream. I was in an abandoned gold mine, looking for treasure. It felt like the walls were closing in and my light was dimming and I was starting to get panicked. I found a secret way out that emerged thru a hidden panel in an old timey hotel lobby. I knew there was something interesting to  be found so I put the panel back in place and acted like nothing unusual was going on. I couldn't wait to go back to figure out what the secret was, but I hated the thought of being in that cramped mineshaft. I think the mineshaft is a symbol for a mind shaft where the treasures are inside your own head.

Destined to Repeat It

I've had fantasies about going back and talking to my younger self. One of the things I regret that I was going to counsel younger me on was the lack of confidence with women. I had several attractions over the years that I did not act on, and older me always thought younger me was a bit of a coward and should have stepped up more often. Carpe diem, what's to lose?

Now I'm newly single again, and find myself in the same position. If I see someone that I'm interested in, I immediately think of all the reasons why this can't happen and I leave it as a mental exercise, without ever approaching someone. So it's easy to intellectualize a needed action or position, it's just hard to live it.

So I was thinking about the old adage that those that are ignorant of history are bound to repeat it. What about the inverse corollary? Those that know history too damned well may still be stuck repeating it?

I've heard speculation by neurologists that lead you to believe that we can't really change our nature, that in some ways we don't have control of ourselves. It's depressing to think about, because we assume with a little counselling or training that we could become whatever we want to do. That we could break bad habits or addictions if we chose to.

I can see how this happens at the unit level in military conflicts. If you're scared, you can't understand that the situation requires courage and just conjure some up. What about politics? You might be faced with undeniable truths, but still unable to accept new policies, or enact new laws, or embrace new candidates that are better suited to address those truths. What about economics and business? You might see a technology or business model dying, but find yourself unable to let go of the old ways.

So, is it hopeless? Are we trapped in ourselves and unable to change, even it it's to improve? Maybe just being aware of the resistance is the way to overcome it.

Story Time

I was listening to Mike Pesca's podcast The Gist on 8/12/15. He had Matthew Dicks, a Moth Grand Slam champion. He talked about a storytelling exercise, which is to put ideas down in text message/twitter length bullets each day. It's supposed to be little kernals of the most story-worthy moment of the last day.

It's an interesting concept that he created to help kickstart ideas for stories from his own life. He said that one of the things that it does, unexpectedly, is to slow time down. He said the act of contemplating and reviewing each day makes time seem different.  That in itself is worth the effort.

See: http://www.slate.com/articles/podcasts/gist/2015/08/the_gist_storytelling_with_matthew_dicks_and_male_vocal_fry.html